Mad About Multiples!

Halloween Costumes, Have I impressed my character biases onto my kids?

I have a new topic for you in the Mom Guilt arena; Halloween Costumes.  No, I’m not going to suggest you should make your own, anyone who has kids knows that’s a laughable suggestion, much less if you have multiples.  No, I’ve got the guilty feeling in my stomach over something much less worth my consideration, yet it’s still there.  I’m afraid I may have created a “costume biases” in my children.  What is that you ask?  Well, in our case it would seem, that my kids prefer Disney character costumes.  I’m not sure when or how it happened, even that it really has happened at all.  Just that I’ve noticed that we have pretty much been a Disney character every year.  It’s not something I set out to do, it just seemed to happen.  In my defense, Disney does put out some cute, well made costumes.  And the princess thing is pretty rampant among girls this age anyway, but this year and last, my 6yo was/is not a princess.  (Last year she was Hannah Montana, this year both girls are going to be Fairies.)  For parents of boys only, Tinkerbelle now how a clique of friends being heavily marketed by the Disney machine.)  It’s become obvious to me this year, because it’s the second year that my older daughter’s friends are all dressing in more generic costumes (witches, ninjas, spider girls, cheerleaders…) but mine is not.  It’s not like I let them watch a ton of Disney channel, and they aren’t big into watching movies over 30 minutes, so I’m not really sure where it totally comes from.

Big, my oldest, is NOT into anything scary.  She deemed the movie “Big” too scary this summer, so you can see scary severely limits her costume choices.  But there’s still lots to choices out there.  She could be any number of animals; cats, bunnies, puppies, mice or  there are lots of generic costumes too; angels, cheerleaders, hippies, sock-hop girls, etc…  But no, she knew she wanted to be “Silvermist,” (the water fairy) in June.  My 3yo, (AKA-Little) I, so far, have some influence over, but in all honesty she so wants to be a “big girl” so badly that she’s bent on being a version of whatever her sister is, so she chose “Rosetta,” (the flower fairy), also in June.  I made them both wait till September, sure that they would change their minds.   But they never wavered, and the high end costumes go fast (I actually had to special order Silvermist from the Disney parks as the stores were out of the costumes in JUNE and not getting any more in.)

I love Disney, but I wouldn’t say I’m a mouseketeer in the full sense.  I’m not one of those people who has a ticker on the bottom of my email counting down to my next Disney trip.  Nor am I first in line for every new release.  So, I’m trying to tell myself that it’s them, not me who has bought into the marketing ploys of the Disney machine, but a little voice inside of me keeps saying different.

Like I said, something not worthy of my time.  I guess, my out is that I always get great pictures (and ultimately scrapbook pages).  There’s no blood and guts (so far) and my girls look adorable.  If they’re happy, I’m happy right?  It’s all about their happiness…and a great scrapbook page.

Guest post for Mad About Multiples by Mamaspeak.

Book Review: Abigail Pogrebin's "One and the Same"

Abigail Pogrebin's latest book "One and the Same" details a unique perspective of the phenomenon of twins with sometimes painful honesty and scary insight. As a mother of three year old twins, I find most of my decisions limited to toddler-focused issues like how to get my kids to eat vegetables or which preschool to enroll them in or how to discipline them. Abigail's book is a wake up call that the well being of my children involves much more than meals, academics, and obedience.  Crucial to my children's happiness and overall health is their sense of identity.  Abigail raises issues specific to "twinship" that I had mistakenly tried to ignore hoping that if I ignored the fact that they were twins it wouldn't matter. Backed by scientific research, she points out time and again how the very existence of two individuals fostered in one womb and born only minutes apart will always be an immovable defining relationship.  She has extensively interviewed physicians and researchers who concur that there are ways that parents can help foster healthy twin relationships.

But Abigail's book is much more than a compilation of research facts and data.  She has included the personal stories of a variety of twins.  Some have gained strength from their twinship, such as the professional football players or the Holocaust survivors she interviewed.  Some have deviated drastically from the twinship, in one case going so far as to change genders.  And some have lost their twin, whether in the womb or later on in life from disease, suicide, or tragedy such as September 11th, with devastating consequences and subsequent moral dilemmas.  Some of these stories are encouraging and reassuring while others are cautionary tales for me.  I find myself insinuating my perspective as a mother into each of these stories feeling a gamut of emotions from elation and joy to overwhelming fear and sadness.  God willing my children will grow up to have a story of their own to tell.

From Bats to Batman ...... a Halloween Evolution

Last Halloween, my boys were 3 and 10 months, and for Halloween, they each wanted to be an animal - a tiger and a bat.  We cruised the Halloween superstores, and found the right styles and the right sizes, and brought our booty home.  They wore their costumes for weeks, ran around roaring and squeaking, and had a great time.



Flash forward one year.  A Halloween catalog arrived in September, and you would have thought that it was Toys R Us Christmas catalog.  They picked the catalog as their bedtime story, so we went through each page and talked about the different costumes.  I quickly realized that they were now absolutely over being anything that seemed remotely cute, and what they really wanted to be were superhero fighting guys (and possibly a princess - but that is another post).  Now, I have to admit that when they turned 4, I opened Pandora's Box, and started letting them watch Cartoon Network  non-PBS fare.  So I shouldn't be at all surprised that a fluffy dog costume now holds ZERO appeal over the possibility of Star Wars Storm Troopers or Transformers.

I started in on the negotiations.  "A" decided that he wanted to be Batman.  I looked at the costume and decided it was funny and fairly innocuous, and agreed.  "S", however, decided that he *must* be Wolverine or die.  For you parents of twin girls uninitiated, Wolverine is an X-man, and his appeal is that he has long daggers that extend from his knuckles.  I took one look, and thought of all the possible stabbing targets - the dogs, the brother, French toast - and nixed it.  But, one day of tears and pleading wore me down.  I told "S"  he could be Wolverine, but that he would not be able to play with the claws (except for the picture below!) Score Sam: 1, Mom: 1/2.

“You’ve got two in there!” “What?”

My husband and I had the surprise of a lifetime at 19 weeks pregnant: an ultrasound discovered another baby-we were having twins! Our famliy members thought we were joking because, really, not finding out until almost 5 months along? Yep, that was us! We actually paid out of pocket and went to a sonographer and he’s the one you hear in the video. I wasn’t even scheduled to have my level two until 21 weeks with the doctor so it could have been even several more weeks before we found out.  We were getting anxious about wanting to know the sex and see the baby. We hadn’t seen anything since the 8 week ultrasound and all of us, including the PA who performed the ultrasound, only saw one.  Funny, deep down, I knew.  At our first ultarasound, I specifically remember asking, “you only see one?” I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was having twins. Mother’s intuition I guess!

We gave birth to our identical boys (had the placenta tested) on December 2^nd, and it’s been an amazing roller coaster ride ever since. They are growing so fast! We watch our ultrasound video all the time and to this day, I still can’t believe it when I relive that moment! Original post to Mad About Multiples.

Redirecting Children's Behavior with Etsuko Tsukagoshi

On Wednesday, August 19th, Gemini Crickets is please to be hosting Etsuko Tsukagoshi who will be giving a talk about Redirecting Children's Behavior. Here's a Q&A session between Etsuko and her grad school roommate, now New & Expecting Parent's Liason and mom to toddler twins and preschooler, Mari Beal:

Q: So Etsuko, I've vaguely heard of INCAF, and always thought it stood for “ “I'm Nearing Craziness, Accredited to Family”. Apparently, it stands for something else. Can you please tell me more?

A: Here is a little bit of background on International Network for Children and Families (INCAF) and Redirecting Children’s Behavior(RCB): This course is designed by Kathryn Kvols over 30 years ago based on the Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, one of America's foremost child psychiatrists’ book “Children: The Challenge”. Since it's creation, the International Network for Children and Families (INCAF), created by Kathryn Kvols, has trained and certified over 1000 instructors. My husband and I took the RCB course right before we had our second baby, and were so impressed by this technique that I wanted to master it. I decided to become an instructor, got certified by INCAF, and I have been the teaching program in San Diego since last fall.

Q: Hmmmm...sound like a class that would take take me a year to complete. I mean, have you *seen* my children?

A: It’s a total of 12.5 hours of instruction, and I usually offer it in once a week course for 5 weeks format. In many cases both parents attend the course, which makes lots of sense, but even if one parent is taking the class, the students can see the difference in their household. I also have many clients who live overseas, so I also offer a lot of coaching over the phone.

Which twin was born first?

Mad About Multiples is pleased to turn over this space today to guest author Kathryn Whiteley, mom of two sets of twins: fraternal boys age 8, and identical girls age 6. She is currently writing a book about parenting twins, and also blogs about parenting twins, survival and beyond at http://twinParenthood.com.

I’m amazed how frequently we are asked “Which twin was born first?” 

Of all the questions twin, triplet, or higher order multiples’ parents receive with fairly regular frequency, this question, "Who was born first?" is one that can impact the kids’  relationship with each othe, within the family,  and on their self esteem.  On the surface, it seems like an innocent enough question – doesn’t it? When they’re infants, they can’t understand the question or the answer and it’s no big deal – right? But, what about when they are little bit older and beginning to understand conversations around them? It is my belief that knowing the answer, and hearing the question asked can make everyone but the first born feel inferior.

Why do people ask?  Many people are “just curious” to know the answer.  They believe that birth order has an impact on both physical and behavioral characteristics. While birth order has been shown to have an impact on family expectations and behavior – this is true when siblings are many months, or even years apart. But surprisingly, many parents of multiples believe this to be true, too. But how can this apply to births separated by only a few minutes unless we inadvertently create self-fulfilling expectations?

Barbie versus Transformers

My twin boys are pretty typical 4 1/2 year-olds - active, social and loving, and for a long time they were into animals, trucks, trains and cars.  We read and watched a lot of Curious George, Miss Spider, and Thomas.  We got lots of educational DK books on trains, cars, animals and trucks. 

This last year however, my boys' interests have begun to radically change and diverge.  One of them, let's call him.....Gun Boy, loves all things battle-related - Star Wars, Transformers, Pokemon, his 2 index fingers.  He knows all the names of the good guy Transformers and the bad guy Transformers, and he knows that Sheildon is a Rock-type Pokemon. (Don't get me started.)  He sleeps with his Buzz Lightyear blaster and he would sell his soul for a light saber.

My other one, loves loves loves.......Barbie (and Ariel, Belle, Aurora and Jasmine).   He has Barbie stickers,  Princess and Barbie books and DVDs, a Disney Princess sleeping bag, and his prize-possession -  a Sleeping Beauty doll.  He swooned when he met Belle at Disneyland.

Here is a typical exchange these days:

Me: What should we read/watch/play?

Gun Boy: Transformers!

Pink Boy: Barbie!

Me: How 'bout _________? (some other non-Battle or Barbie/Princess related item)

Them: (screams of agony)

I'm sure many of you already know the drill - I'm just late to the game.  It's hard to find anything that we can all enjoy.  I used to make them pick something that they both liked - but there is no middle ground anymore. So now we usually take turns, and it is a special privilege indeed, to be the one who gets to pick first!  Pink Boy will usually watch Star Wars or Speed Racer, but Gun Boy's own special version of Hell is to having to sit through "Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus".  (Frankly, I feel the same way, but I am trying to model Barbie tolerance.)

Shopping With Seat Belts Securely Fastened...Uh...Oh Yea...

[Last week's topic on Mommy Confessions From Never, Never Land inspired one of our members and guest contributor, Pam C., to share her own never-say-never story below. Thanks, Pam!]

In a far away land called BC (before children), I would often babysit my nieces. Whenever I took ONE OF THEM (not two!) shopping when they were young, I made them sit in the front seat of the shopping cart with the seat belt safely buckled. One of my nieces in particular would beg to ride on the edge of the shopping cart, or to sit in the basket part, but, noooo, I would never let her - that wouldn't be safe now, would it?

Fast forward. I have 3 year old twins. Except for maybe Costco and a few Safeways, stores don't have shopping carts made for twins. So what is a mom to do? Why, let one child sit in the basket and/or let one child ride on the edge of the cart. Yesterday, at Trader Joe's, which, for the record, have really small shopping carts to begin with, my daughter wanted to sit in the front and she was of course (not) buckled in for safety. My son wanted to walk. I needed to get yogurt, but that area was congested, so I parked the cart no more than 5 feet away from me (I swear!) and peacefully walked over to the yogurt. I didn't even have the yogurt in my hand when I heard this sickening crash. I turned around to see my daughter's head hit the floor and then saw that my son was pinned under the shopping cart that he had just tipped over! (My son had apparently decided, while I took my 5 steps over towards the yogurt, that he was tired of walking and that standing on the SIDE rail of the cart would allow him to rest. The rest, as the saying goes, is history and my daughter just went along for the ride.)

Twin Connections

My name is Debbie LaChusa and I am a 46-year-old fraternal twin. My twin sister, Valerie, and I have a twin connection that I've never been able to explain.  There are so many parallels in our lives; too many to be mere coincidence.  I can't tell you how many times I have been thinking about calling her, when the phone has rung and it was her on the other end.  We seem to have that extra sense that makes this kind of thing happen all the time. All of these strange connections and our special "extra sense" are only a part of the special bond we share. Although, I'll admit it wasn't always that way.

What to Look For When Purchasing a Mobile: Guest Post by Elaine Farber, Baby Nurse

Please welcome our Guest Contributor, Elaine Farber, Newborn/Specialist/Consultant and author of Baby Lists: What to Do and What to Get to Prepare for Baby, who joins us today to lend a hand in finding and interviewing a nanny. (Elaine also gave us advice on finding and interviewing a pediatrician back in August and finding and interviewing a nanny in October.)

Newborns spend most of the time in their crib. Babies need some stimulation during the day, and mobiles are their first form of entertainment.  Soothing music and soft glowing lights are ideal for calming baby in her crib at night. Between six and eight weeks of age babies are ready for a mobile.  A mobile offers baby a close-up view of bright objects and friendly creatures that move to the sound of soothing music and dancing lights. A battery-operated mobile will run as long as you like; there’s no winding to be bothered with every two minutes. A remote control mobile means that mom or dad can stop or start the mobile’s motion with the click of a button.  When you get tired of the music, simply push the button or use the remote control to turn it off. Some mobiles can even be activated by your baby’s own voice.  When you’re purchasing a mobile for your child’s crib consider colors and dimensionality. Hold the mobile up for inspection. Get underneath the mobile and look at it from the baby’s point of view. Two-dimensional mobiles can be harder for babies to see than mobiles with three-dimensional qualities. With many flat, two-dimensional mobiles the objects seem to disappear when you look from the baby’s angle. The best mobiles are three-dimensional, in which case the toys stand out. Many mobiles also play music. Listening to the tunes available will help you decide between similar mobiles.

If you are having a single baby one mobile is all you need.  If you are having twins and

How to Find and Interview a Nanny for Twins: Guest Post by Elaine Farber, Baby Nurse

Please welcome our Guest Contributor, Elaine Farber, Newborn/Specialist/Consultant and author of Baby Lists: What to Do and What to Get to Prepare for Baby, who joins us today to lend a hand in finding and interviewing a nanny. (Elaine also gave us advice on finding and interviewing a pediatrician back in August.)

     We all want responsible, dependable professionals to care for our children, but finding a good nanny is not always an easy task. The process takes patience and a lot of research to find just the right person. You want to hire someone who truly enjoys taking care of children and is in the field for all the right reasons. 

Finding a Nanny

    The first step in the process of finding a nanny is to ask yourself a few key questions:    

What to buy for those babies?! - Join Gemini Crickets' New & Expectant Parents Meeting on Equipment next Tuesday Sept 9th

Infant car seat or convertible?  Tandem or side-by-side stroller?  Which type of bottle?  Which high chairs?   

With so many products and choices on the market these days, preparing for multiples can be a dizzying experience. Come join us to discuss equipment used during the first year. Better yet, come and kick the tires - various equipment will be on hand for attendees to try out.

Amy M., one of Gemini Crickets' fantastic New and Expectant Parent Liaisons, joins us today to talk about our upcoming New & Expectant Parents Meeting on Equipment next Tuesday, September 9th.

When I was newly pregnant, I had visions of wearing my baby:  around the house, around the neighborhood, around town.  Me and the baby, snug as a bug.  And then at week 12, I went in for the Nuchal Translucency Screening Test.  That is when we found out we were having TWO babies, not one, as we had been previously told.  All my visions of Mommy and Me Pilates classes went *poof*.  And wearing the babies?  That was the last thing on my mind.  I was suddenly

Where's the Floss???

So we have been pretty religious about brushing our kids teeth, and they had a great first check-up when they turned 3 years old. I expected us to sail through our next appointment.  However, one of our boys has teeth that are fairly close together, and this time at their appointment, the dental hygienist pointed out that he had some plaque and that he needed to floss, and that his gums bled a little. I was horrified. When we left, she loaded us up with berry-flavored floss, and with head hung low, I promised to take better care of their teeth. 

Personally, I hate to floss, but I vowed to change my ways to set the good example.  Since then, every few days (OK - old habits die hard) we have been flossing the boys with the berry-flavored floss which they think is a real treat.  Tonight, we let them hang onto their floss for a while because they are interested in trying it themselves, so we thought we'd let them play with it a little before bed.  We all settled in on the couch for our bedtime stories - me with the books, the boys with the floss.  I finished the books, time for lights out, and I asked them for their floss.

Me:  "Sam - time to give me your floss".
Sam:  "Mama - it's gone." 
Me:  (pause)  "Where's your floss??" 
Sam:  "I ate it!"
Me: (quasi-hysterical) "You did what?? You ate it??? That's not good!!!"

In the short time it took to find out Sam had eaten his floss, Alex decided that it was good idea and promptly ate his, too. 

How to Find and Interview a Pediatrician: Guest Post by Elaine Farber, Baby Nurse

Please welcome our Guest Contributor, Elaine Farber, Newborn/Specialist/Consultant and author of Baby Lists: What to Do and What to Get to Prepare for Baby, who joins us today to lend a hand in finding and interviewing a pediatrician.

Choosing the right pediatrician is one of the most important decisions you make for your children.  You want to find a pediatrician in a practice that makes you feel confident and comfortable.  Your pediatrician should also be warm, compassionate, and open to your thoughts and feelings, and you should share similar views on child rearing.  If you know the sex of your children you might want to consider choosing a pediatrician of the same gender if you are having same-sex twins, or a group of pediatricians with both genders, if you are having boy-girl twins.  When children become teenagers, they often feel more comfortable with a doctor of the same sex.  Another thing to think about is the age of the doctor.  If you choose an older doctor, ask whether retirement is in the near future and, if so, who will take over the practice.  Choose the right pediatrician, and he/she might be able to treat your children from birth through adolescence.

It’s a good idea to begin

I Am The Luckiest Grandma In Town!

Riddle:
How does a grandma have four grandchildren and only two birthday celebrations?

Answer: Two sets of twins, of course!!

So, travel back to October 2006. My daughter Sara and son-in-law Bruce, who live in Seattle, deliver a set of beautiful identical twin boys named Drew and Alex. Now, travel ahead to September 2007. My son Adam and daughter-in-law Heather, in San Jose, deliver a set of fraternal twins named Gavin and Stella!  Adam, when finding out through ultrasound that he was having twins, had this to say: “Holy crap ----us too? So, this grandma who has been patiently waiting to BECOME a grandma, goes from 0 to 4 in 51 weeks!

Is there life after twins and a singleton?

The answer is, unequivocally, YES!  My wife and I have found that we are so full of life we can hardly control ourselves… or our children. Just kidding - we can control ourselves.

We are now the proud parents of Morgan and Gemma, 2.5 years old, Oliver, 7 months old and Audrie, 10 years old, from my first marriage. We have had our hands full but feel fortunate to have had the twins first. The regimen we set up for them and learning how to stay with a schedule or plan has been a tremendous help with our newborn.

It has been much more difficult than we imagined and there are times when we feel we are going to go crazy. Of course, the joy of holding Oliver or seeing him cuddle with the girls makes it all worthwhile. Following are several tips that may help if you are in the process of having a singleton after your twins:

No Shortage of Dumb Comments

It never ceases to amaze me how many dumb comments can be said to parents of multiples. And with all due respect – if you are the parent of a singleton reading these - please try to understand that, while we try to receive insensitive, very personal, and often rude comments with a sense of humor, much of what we hear can be very hurtful. At times though, the entertainment value of some comments just have to be shared with others!

Thanks to my online “MOM Group”, here are some of my all-time favorites, with a few of mine mixed in!

10. As I walked in the mall with my fraternal twin girls who were two at the time, a couple passed and commented, “Look – two little friends dressed alike.”  Granted, my girls surely are friends, but do you often see a mother who takes her child and someone else’s out shopping in the same outfits?

9. While at the park with my two-year-old identical twin boys and their four-year-old older brother, I overheard, “Look twins! No wait, three twins!”   I sincerely hope that person does not grow up to be a math teacher.

Still Not Sleeping Through the Night...

“This has got to stop,” my husband growled at 6 am when he found me sleeping in our spare bedroom.

“What is the problem?” I sleepily asked, puzzled as to why my sleeping in another room would be an issue.

“You need to get some help. Normal people don’t wake up at 3 am!” he said pointedly as he stomped out of the room.

Gee…and here I thought that I was doing him a favor in moving to another room in the early hours of the morning so my tossing and turning wouldn’t disturb his sleep. Some days I feel like I can’t win. What I didn’t want to tell him was that, before twins, I slept just fine! And so did he. It’s been three years since our twins were born. Has he forgotten the quiet, fitful nights of sleep that signified our “pre-children” relationship?

Books! Books! Books!

We had a great speaker for our General Meeting in March - Valerie Lewis, co-founder of Hicklebees Bookstore. She read from a wide selection of childrens books that she likes and talked about why reading to your kids is so important. While reading excerpts, she had lots to say about how and what you read to your kids. She offered some tips such as:

• Read books that you like - your child can tell if you have lost your enthusiasm or are reading something that you don't like.
• Don't worry about "dumbing" down the books or words - even if they don't understand all the words, they will still understand the story. You can always go back and talk about new words and concepts.
• Trust your children if they want to hear a "scary" story. They often focus on different elements than adults, and may not see a scary story in the same way.
• Try to read to your kids for 20 minutes each day - but that is just a goal.

One of the topics she felt strongly about was not worrying about teaching your kids to read so early. Valerie talked about just reading to your kids for the fun of it - and to offer books without any expectations. Without the pressure, your kids will learn to love books; and they will learn to read.