Etsuko's normal RCB course is a 12.5 hour program, but she was up to the challenge of whizzing through the highlights, providing participants with an informative overview of the concept of redirection and some important tips on how to get started. If you were unable to convince your in-laws or friends to watch you children (ideally for free), hopefully this summary will explain the definition of redirection, as well provide a few techniques you can try with your kids, in both the areas of the “terrible twos” as discussed in the NEP meeting, and sibling rivalry, which was the topic of the General Meeting.
"Redirecting Children's Behavior", or RCB, is a positive discipline program that incorporates accountability, limits, encouragement, communication and responsibility. With RCB, the role of the parent is to remember that all of our children's' behavior has a purpose and that our job is to investigate and be curious, so as to find out what exactly is behind their actions. Even=2 0the most annoying of behaviors, which include but are not limited to (the following are real-life examples, as provided by GC members): whining, pointing & screaming, hair pulling/fighting/pushing, and the constant yelling of “mine”. Redirecting means to diagnose the misbehavior and then teach the child to get his/her needs met appropriately, so they no longer feel the needs to misbehave. When misbehavior is stopped by distracting the child's attention, it will usually start back up again. Redirecting misbehavior addresses the underlying cause of the misbehavior, not just the symptom! The methods of redirection teach parents how to become calmer and more confident and empowers moms and dads to teach their children to be responsible and cooperative.
So, back to the terrible twos/threes... Up until about 18 months, babies can be expected to cry in order to have their every needs met. But at about the age of year and a half, there's a developmental change. Parents begin to set boundaries, which can be very confusing to toddlers, and as their world begins to change, routine become more important to them. At about the age of two, toddlers start to understand the concept of making choices. However, what is even harder to grasp, and sometimes unacceptable to a two year old, is that choosing one option means letting go of the other. This frustration can result in temper tantrums (and in the case of my 20 month old girls, lots of them). At this point in the meeting, Etsuko rhetorically asks, “So what can we do?” To which an enthusiastic audience member suggests, “DUCT TAPE!” Now this may seem like a brilliant solution, but only until Social Services comes a knockin'. Our trusty presenter suggests that instead of duct tape, that we realize that each of our children has the very inherent need to belong and to feel valuable, powerful, capable, understood, and loved. Redirection shows us how these needs can be met and here's a few key elements to help guide the way:
- Set clear boundaries – e.g. Hitting/biting/throwing carrots on the floor is NOT ok (consider what are priorities for YOU); don’t make everything unacceptable. Pick your battles!
- Try and find win/win solutions which both you and your child can live with – For example, is your three year old asking for cookies all day long? (Mama cookie! Mama cookie! MAMA COOKIE!!) Let them have some control20by letting them have 3 cookies a day, but they can decide when they get eaten.
- Think about the behavior behind the action – Are your tots asking for ice cream before dinner because they are testing boundaries or are they really hungry? If they are actually hungry, perhaps they can have a piece of fruit or the ubiquitous cheese stick to tide them over until those frozen chicken nuggets are out of the microwave...errr...I mean, organic chicken breasts are poached.
- Ask them to do the behavior you WANT them to do – Rather than, “Stop jumping on the bed. Stop jumping on the bed. STOP JUMPING ON THE BED!”, try “Please jump on the sofa.” Just kidding, the correct answer is “Please jump on the FLOOR.” (Or outside, whatever the case may be).
- Not making any headway? Stop talking! - When it's apparent that=2 0you child is not taking “no” for an answer, try just nodding or shaking your head in response. The lack of engagement might deter your child from the continued pestering/attempts to negotiate further. They will also learn that when you say “NO”, it really means “NO” and no amount of talking will change that.
- Offer your child choices and consequences – remember that with younger kids, the consequences need to be immediate.
And now, a little more about choices (and consequences):
- Offer your child TWO choices and be as specific as possible. - Do you want to walk to the minivan holding my hand or do you want me to carry you? (This is code for HURRY HURRY we are late AGAIN!!
- Do not ask a question when “no” is not an acceptable answer. - For example, you should not ask “Are you ready to go to bed?” if you are not willing to have them stay up later than the usual bed time. Just say “It’s time to go to bed”.
- When you are presenting them the choices, it should be acceptable whichever they chose. For example, do you really want to say “Either you put on your shoes right now, or we stay home without going on the playdate!” ? (This is in reference to the GC playdate where YOUR friends are coming and you've been waiting all week to see them, Starbucks in-hand.) If, not going to the playdate, is not okay with you, don’t offer this option in the first place.
- Keep in mind that making choices is still hard at this age, because it means letting go of another desirable option. A good way to deal with the issue of indecision is to say, “If you don't decide, I'm going to decide for you.” (My husband uses th is all the time with me. Works great!)
- In terms of twins, it's important to be creative and find consequences that do not “punish” the non-offending child. For example, if you are at the park and one child is throwing sand in the face of said fellow-mom-of-twins' dear child, have them sit next to you for 10 minutes, rather than scooping up both kids and leaving the playdate immediately.
- If you child changes their mind after choosing, you can say something like, “You already made your decision. You can try again tomorrow.” This strategy also works in situations where they are trying to negotiate out of being disciplined.
If nothing else, remember this HOT TIP: Kids at this age tend to choose the second option provided, so word your question wisely: “Do you want Mommy to tuck you in, or do you want Daddy to do it?” Hee hee!
So maybe you have older kids with different issues now, like constant, ever-present, how-long-will-this-phase (please let it be just a phase) fighting. The General Meeting focused on the issue of sibling rivalry, sibling conflict, and why kids fight. In terms of sibling rivalry, it's important to know that how you handle this issue can carry well into adulthood because it can affect how your twins relate later in life (insert “Oh no, my kids' going to end up in therapy” fear here). “So why do your children fight?”, Etsuko asked. Boredom, attention, frustration, power, and “to drive me crazy” were all popular audience responses. She explained further that there are two common “mistaken goals” that children have which lead to the misbehavior; attention and power. The attention-craver, who will do anything for attention, thinks that “the more attention Mommy gives me, the more she loves me.” The power-seeker believes, “The more power I have, the more valuable I am to my parents.” Both of these are their inappropriate ways to get their needs met – which are to feel loved and valued.
To determine if you child is wanting attention or power, think of each of these examples:
Example #1 - Attention
Dad: “Please go wash your hands for dinner.”
Attention Seeker: “Daddy, watch this. Watch me jump! Daddy! Daddy! Watch, Daddy! Daddy, watch this! WATCH, DADDY”
Dad feels annoyed.
Example #2 - Power
Mom: “Please go wash your hands for dinner.”
Power Seeker: “NO! You're not the boss of me!”
Mom's inside-voice: “Oh YES I AM!” and she is now PO'ed.
The motive behind the child's behavior (attention or power) can help you understand how to better deal with the situation. However, some of the things you can do as a parent to minimize sibling rivalry include:
- Try not to compare or label your children, even when you think it's a positive comparison (example for the positive comparison would be "Wow! You got that math homework done in only 20 minutes. Your brother really struggles with math."
- Encourage, rather than praise 0 You want to ensure that your children are internally (rather than externally) driven. Etsuko tells a story of a little boy who went down the slide over and over, never seeming to tire. But in fact, he didn't enjoy the actual activity at all – he just wanted to see his mom jump up and down, clap her hand in glee and cheer “yay” whenever he got to the bottom of the slide! This also means, don't rely to heavily on rewards. Rewards, like stickers, could be effective for things like potty training or other specific, short-term task-based goals, but you don't want to train you kids to only do what you want if there's a treat involved.
- How can you tell the difference between encouragement vs overpraising? Think about what you would say to a friend who made you a lovely dinner. Would you ecstatically exclaim in falsetto, “This is the most delicious salad ever! You are the best cook in the world! Good job!” Maybe a more likely response would be, “This salad tastes yummy! I appreciate you inviting me over to have a nice meal. What's your secret ingredient?” You get the idea...
- Focus on the effort (process), rather than the outcome – Etsuko described how a father who took RCB course put this strategy into practice: While taking his child out for a golf lesson, his son hit a most amazing shot. The proud father was so excited; he wanted to jump up and down, yelling, “My son's going to be the next Tiger Woods!” But having just completed the RCB course, he held back his exuberance and simply asked his son, “Wow! How did you do that?” His son replied in disbelief, “I have no idea, Dad.” The father's simple response took the pressure off his son to have a repeat the performance and allowed them both to relax and enjoy the rest of their round.
When handling the sibling rivalry, we should also allow our children to express their emotions – including “negative” feelings such as “I don’t like my sister”. Don’t deny what your child is expressing, because feelings are neither good nor bad – they just are. Children need a safe space where they can express their emotions. Be curious as for why they say what they do. Be sure and ask “How come?” w ith genuine curiosity – they might actually have a good reason! Obviously, if they are expressing their feelings in inappropriate ways such as hitting, biting, etc. we need to teach them what more appropriate ways to get their point across.
Etsuko also covered some techniques on how to handle sibling conflict. In managing your kids’ fighting, keep the following points in mind;
- Don’t take sides.
- Put them in the same boat; If they are fighting over a toy, neither of them get to play with it.
- Watch your tone of the voice. Be loving and accepting, not judgmental.
- Stay out of bickering
Teach them to express their feelings appropriately. Have them state two things;“I feel……” & “I want……”.
After having both of them express these two things, ask them “How can we make it work for both of us?” Let them figure it out on their own as much as possible.
- Separate them if the situation becomes physical or dangerous.
Sibling rivalry and conflict can be hard on kids, but even more frustrating for parents who may feel stuck in the middle. With mutiples, fighting is probably inevitable (and if your kids don't, please volunteer to be a speaker for a future meeting!), so try the above strategies, because surely it can't make things worse, right? RIGHT?
In terms of dealing with the terrible twos and sibling rivalry, there's no denying that these can be trying times. But take comfort in knowing that there are effective redirection techniques available to parents. By utilizing the strategies and tips covered in the meeting, maybe not every meltdown or fight results in Mommy or Daddy needing a timeout.
Etsuko Tsukagoshi is a certified International Network of Children and Families instructor, She has created “My Peaceful Family” to teach the Redirecting Children's Behavior courses both in Japanese and English, and offers coaching sessions on parenting and family relationship. Etsuko also writes about parenting, relationships, cross-cultural and couple communications in her bilingual blog (http://www.mypeacefulfamily.com) where you can also read about her coaching services, parenting classes and tele-seminars. You can follow her on Twitter (@EtsukoT) or join her on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/etsuko).
Original post to Mad About Multiples.
