I felt the slight sting of her eyes, the disbelief. I rambled
on...separate classes, last minute decision, it was the least bad choice. I
felt uncomfortable and apologetic. What had I done?
Oh, I might as well say it. I put two 4-year-olds in kindergarten..
4-years-old and in...the new first grade kindergarten.
I KNOW! For shame, I'm a bad mom. My boys will fail. They'll slow down the system, siphoning off a teacher's precious time. It's not like I'd gone into this not knowing. I KNEW the stakes. I'd done the research. I'd queried friends. I'd watched my boys' behavior over the summer, searching for signs of kindergarten readiness.
For the uninitiated, kindergarten readiness has more to do with social readiness than academic readiness. Teachers can bring kids up to speed academically, but they can't teach maturity. My boys are bright and hit most of their milestones early - it's not that. It's mostly because of their age and the plethora of negative anecdotal evidence which abounds.
Save for one family, nobody in my circles, it seems, puts a 4-year-old into kindergarten. I am the odd one out.
Let me say it another way: I put fall birthday TWIN BOYS into public school kindergarten. It's a recipe for disaster, they usually say, although some studies dispute this.
Our neighbor, a grade school teacher, looked on as I made my excuses. She, of course, had not started her fall birthday son when he became age eligible. She did what most school teachers, and a good many parents do, she waited a year and had her fall birthday child enter kindergarten at the more mature age of 5 or 6, rather than 4 turning 5.
It's not like I'd made a totally uninformed decision (quite the opposite, actually). I'd gone back and forth on this issue since last spring, before then even. It'll come to me, I told myself, I'll just know. But August rolled around and still, I didn't know. There was so much to consider. My twins have a pretty robust case of sibling rivalry going on and to keep them in preschool (or in our case, a kinder prep program which would have been marvelous) would have meant keeping them in the same classroom. They'd fight. They'd compete. They'd disrupt class. I have been firmly on the side of separating my twins in kindergarten (they are not dependent upon each other) and my only option of doing so was by way kindergarten.
On the other hand, putting my twins into kindergarten early, meant they'd surely be in separate classes. (In California, kids can enter kindergarten so long as they're 5 by December 2nd, leaving the bulk of the decision making up to the parents for fall birthday children.) In separate classes, my twins could grow as individuals, away from the constant buzz of their wombmate sibling.
Also weighing heavily in my mind was the thought of a double tuition for another year of pre-K/Jr-K) . It's not something our family can readily work into our budget during these times of cautious spending.
So sending my 4-year-old twins off to kindergarten this year was really the lesser of two evils. The least bad choice.
I could put them into kindergarten at age four and see them struggle due to their youngness (not a given). Or I could put them into a kinder prep program where they could mature at close proximity to each other and fight (a given).
Sibling rivalry versus youngness? Which to choose?
See? Two bad choices.
The parents I polled mostly opted to have their fall birthday child wait out kindergarten a year. Most wanted their child to be the oldest in their class. The more mature, the better. How will my son, who likes imaginative play (which they no longer do in public kindergarten), ever compare to the calm, mature ex-Challenger girl in his class who'll turn six in December? Will he forever be struggling? Will he feel out of sorts in junior high? In high school? Will his self esteem be compromised? Public school educators will always recommend delaying kindergarten for a child who is still four by the start of the school year. But they don't know the nuances of our particular situation. How could they?
Still, for every person on the "hold them out" side of the fence, there was always someone who stood on the opposite side, the doubters. I even heard that some issues failed to resolve during that "gift of a year" year. (I quietly think some of my boys' issues have more to do with deep seeded personality traits that would withstand the test of time. Would people be more forgiving of a tall misbehaving 6-year-old who should know better?) There were also anecdotes about 18-year-olds who'd left school early because they were bored.
Do what works best for you, I was advised. But I didn't know what worked best for me.
Add the uncertainty about the economy into the equation and suddenly, the equation tips slightly toward the side of kindergarten. In another time, in another city, the decision would have been easy and my boys would have marched down the aisles of high school graduation as mature and successful 18-year-olds. I imagine there are many fall birthday children from socioeconomically depressed regions whose parents have no choice but to put their children in kindergarten at age four. How is it fair that some families can afford to pay that extra year of pre-K tuition while for others, public kindergarten is a financial necessity?
So for now, off to kindergarten they go, as complex 4-year-olds who will be just 17 when they graduate from high school (I've already pinned my hopes on a "gap year.") It will be interesting to see how they do.
But putting my twin boys into kindergarten as the youngest of their class still affords me choices. I can still play around with their age at graduation. It might not be ideal, but the option is there. It also answers the question I would have always asked myself, the question of "what if?". I might be that we hold them back and have them repeat kindergarten (or first grade, or even just one of them, God forbid). It's not ideal, but it could be done. Or I could yank them out right now, cough up the money and enroll them again in preschool. It's not set in stone.
How are my twins faring as the youngest of kindergartners? Am I failing them by putting them in young? Am I failing the system? Their peers?With apologies to our teachers, let's just say some days are better than others. I will allow that kindergarten is far more structured and academic than I'd expected it to be, and I thought I was prepared. You can hear a pin drop when we enter one of my son's classes and it breaks my heart. I absolutely see the merits in giving children that extra year to play and grow, but unless some benefactor steps in and gifts us with a double preschool tuition, the least bad choice has already been made.
Original post to Mad About Multiples. Akemi would like to turn back time and conceive her children in May of 2003 which would then give her twins the nice unspectacular birthday month of March.
Akemi also blogs at SV Moms and Chalk and Cheese Chronicles.
