Mad About Multiples is pleased to turn over this space today to guest author Kathryn Whiteley, mom of two sets of twins: fraternal boys age 8, and identical girls age 6. She is currently writing a book about parenting twins, and also blogs about parenting twins, survival and beyond at http://twinParenthood.com.
I’m amazed how frequently we are asked “Which twin was born first?”
Of all the questions twin, triplet, or higher order multiples’ parents receive with fairly regular frequency, this question, "Who was born first?" is one that can impact the kids’ relationship with each othe, within the family, and on their self esteem. On the surface, it seems like an innocent enough question – doesn’t it? When they’re infants, they can’t understand the question or the answer and it’s no big deal – right? But, what about when they are little bit older and beginning to understand conversations around them? It is my belief that knowing the answer, and hearing the question asked can make everyone but the first born feel inferior.
Why do people ask? Many people are “just curious” to know the answer. They believe that birth order has an impact on both physical and behavioral characteristics. While birth order has been shown to have an impact on family expectations and behavior – this is true when siblings are many months, or even years apart. But surprisingly, many parents of multiples believe this to be true, too. But how can this apply to births separated by only a few minutes unless we inadvertently create self-fulfilling expectations?
Or, maybe the question is a throw-back to the days when the “first born” inherited the family property. Who knows why they ask – but they will.
What real impact can this question have on your multiples? Multiples are naturally competitive. If it is perceived that it is better to be born first, what does this do to the relationship? As twin parents worldwide know, the issue of fairness between twins is a constant. For young children, merely hearing this question from strangers and friends would seem to support the conclusion.
Before the question comes up, you will want to think about your position. Do you want your children to know who was born first? They will know eventually. It will be evident based on their birth certificates. But you can control when they learn who was born first, by waiting to reveal that information until they are older. At that time you can talk about it with them to help them think through what it means to be born first or second.
If you don’t want them to know until they are older, you’ll need to come up with a response to tell strangers and friends when you are inevitably asked the question. Even if you plan at an early age to let your children know who was born first, you might not wish to reveal this to strangers on the street. If you feel that who was born first is none of their business, how can you respond to their questions?
My children were all born via C-section, so my response is usually, “They were born via C-section, so they were born at the same time.” Occasionally, some people have pressed further. “Yes, but one of them was still born first.” In which case, my response is just to shake my head no and raise my eyebrows. I’ve never had anyone press further after that. I don’t mind revealing that we had a C-section, but some people might not want to go that far.
Some days when I’m feeling sassy, I respond with, “They’re twins!” with a big smile. If they question further, I say, “We really don’t know, we think they were switched at birth.” I get a lot of quizzical looks. Sometimes people ask, “What?” but I just smile and move along.
If I can’t wiggle around it, or when I’m talking with friends, I’d rather just face it straight on, “We choose not to emphasize who was born first, because they are both equally important to us.” And if needed, I follow up with “We don’t want either of them to feel less important because of a minor detail about their birth.”
Choosing when to reveal birth order is something that will be different for each family. Your choice will likely impact the family dynamics. Take the time to think about your position. It’s just one of those things that’s good to think about before you’re put on the spot. After all, it’s not a question that you would ever imagine being asked until it happens.
So, what do you think? Does it matter? If it does matter to you, what do you say?
Original post to Mad About Multiples by guest contributor Kathryn Whiteley of Twinparenthood.com.
