Ms. Friedman has written a wonderfully enlightening book that brings raising twins into the 21st Century. She is an identical twin herself, as well as a mother of twins. In addition, she specializes in the treatment of twin-related issues in her practice as a psychotherapist. These experiences have given her a unique perspective on the needs of twins that has developed into what she calls a new "parenting of twins philosophy."
Friedman supports her twin parenting philosophy with some interesting points about the emotional and behavioral problems that can occur when twins are forced to act as, and think of themselves as, one unit. For example, she says that oftentimes one twin may become so attached to her "other half" that she becomes upset if he doesn't do the same things she does. In order not to "rock the boat," the opposite twin may prevent himself from branching out on his own for fear of upsetting the other one.
According to Friedman, this lack of psychological boundaries can lead to confused roles and cause problems once they attend school and begin to make friends. She encourages a new perspective of twins, one that views them as two individuals who happen to have been conceived and born at the same time. Along this theme, she advocates the separation of twins as a way to help them develop their own unique identities and provides a 7-point plan to achieve this.
She also writes about the "twin mystique" that underlies the perception of twins and that is based on the assumptions that all twins feel intensely connected to each other, feel lost without their "other half," and enjoy their twosome status. It is easy to understand why there is a mystique about twins. After all, they are an anomaly and, as such, have been revered and romanticized throughout history (see my previous post, "The Magic of Twins."). But Friedman claims that this romantic view of twins is created when we project our own desire to be "at one" with someone onto twins and assume that they experience this ideal state.
I have always been in favor of separating twins at least by the time they are in kindergarten because I, too, believe it is important for them to develop their identities on their own. But Friedman has made me question whether I should separate my twins earlier than that in light of observations I have made of them since reading her book.
However, I also believe that each set of twins is different and that parents of twins should make observations of their twins for themselves to determine exactly when their twins should be separated. I had the opportunity to interview Linsey Krolik, co-president of Gemini Crickets, for this book review. Linsey is a twin herself as well as the mother of twins, and she agrees with the individualistic approach to parenting twins, as well.
In the end, parents must decide for themselves. But I thank Ms. Friedman for her valuable insight and experience into the psychological world of twins and will take her suggestions to heart as I try to navigate the sometimes complex world of twins.
Original post on Mad About Multiples.
Cheryl Wenzel also writes at: New Mom Central, Betty Confidential, Type-A Mom, Silicon Valley Moms Blog, and 50-something Moms Blog.
